Here I thought that I would be writing a post about how my new year really starts on December 29th, since I got married to my first husband on that date (1991) and left my second husband on that date (2004). But, December 29th came and went two days ago. I made a nice attempt to make it memorable by attending a dinner party for women; a nice little spiritual reminder that women are good for women, but I don't feel like I started anew on that day.
Here I am on New Year's Eve, alone for the first time in 11 years. The father of my children, my second ex-husband, has taken the girls as part of his forming a relationship with his new girlfriend, a mother of two herself. Everything is child-related, so lo and behold, he is spending more time with his own children.
After 11 years of not getting time to myself, you would think I would relish in this. But not really. It just makes me lonely and accentuates how alone I am in the adult version of my world. Without my girls, I am so very alone. I don't have good female friends to spend time with. Many of my oldest and closest friends live in other states. The few women that I have formed friendships with are either busy with their own families, or are single and don't relate to the motherhood side to my life. (And as far as relationships with any man, forget about it! What would that even look like? I can't begin to imagine.)
I admit, I haven't had time to really carve out relationships here where I live. I've been here for 4 years and I have spent those years in school, working, and managing my two children. Where has the "me" time gone? Who knows. I don't think it has existed in the past 11 years, let alone 4.
So, instead of the usual resolutions - lose the 35 pounds gained since the divorce; write the novel stuck in my head; cook a healthy dinner for the girls on a regular basis... I think my one and only resolution will be to make time for me. I think that will enable me to include all those little resolutions into one big one. Make time for me, so that when I do have alone time I am not frozen in uncertainty. Do I clean the house, do laundry, go to a movie, call a friend, or just take a nap? It is so daunting a decision when the free time happens so rarely. If I make it a scheduled "event" then it won't seem so precious, with so much pressure to make those few hours "matter."
As part of my resolution, I will not depend on my ex-husband for this free time. The attention to my daughters could disappear as quickly as it has come to being. (That is, he could break up with this girlfriend). I have family (ugh), even babysitters that are available, so I can, no I WILL make this a scheduled event in my life. Twice a month? Yes, twice a month to start. Where I have a whole day to myself. Won't that be nice? I have read and heard so often that the best example you can be for your children is to show them that you are a priority to yourself. I always thought, Yes, easier said than done. So this is my year of doing just so. Universe, do you hear me? I am a priority in my life. Deep sigh. Here's to us mothers, for making ourselves a priority and showing our children (especially our daughters) that this is a good, no, a wonderful thing.
Happy New Year.
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