I am re-reading the book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them, written by Natalie Lue/NML. I stumbled upon her blog, Baggage Reclaim, when I was googling things like "what does it mean when he wants a break," "how to get over him," "why does he want to break-up but says he still loves me," among a number of other searches. I read the reviews of her book on Amazon and also ordered other books, but her book was a series of "ah-ha" moments like I had never experienced. Not only for my current break-up but for the two other major relationships in my life.
My first "real" love was my high-school sweetheart, Mr. Baseball. I was 15 when I met him. We both had pretty dysfunctional families and I was illusional enough to think "Romeo and Juliet" was a romance to strive for. We lost our virginity to each other 5 days after our first encounter. We had some sweet moments, but also some really intense fights, infidelity, jealousy, possessiveness, and bad behavior during the 7 years we were together. We got married one month after I turned 22. A short time before our wedding, he told me something like, "I don't think I'm ready to get married right now." Of course I panicked. The invitations had been sent out, the dress made, all reservations made. Did I listen to his words? No. So we got married and stay married for 6 months. They were filled with lonely nights for me while he went out drinking with his friends. We had temporarily moved to Louisiana since he was playing minor league baseball. I'll never forget the words that marked the end of our relationship. He said to me, "You know how you want to be married to me and have babies with me? Well, I don't feel that way about you." So I took my dog and boarded a plane back to California.
My second marriage was to Mr. No Follow-Through. After Mr. Baseball, I went through a number of years of self-destructive behavior. Having relationships that lasted from one night to several months. I was in a long term relationship with someone I had grown to resent when I met Mr. NFT at work. He was younger than me by 5 1/2 years. He was funny, enthusiastic, full of energy. I got together with him before even moving out from Mr. Anal-Retentive. Mr. NFT and I started out in Santa Barbara and ended up moving to New York City together, but not "together." We lived separately but had a life together in New York. Our relationship was a series of empty plans initiated by him: Let's go to Europe together - Oh no sorry I can't because of my job; Let's move in together - Oh actually, I want to break up. He told me, "I don't know if I ever want to get married." Did I listen to his words? No. We were still sleeping together after we broke up. We agreed to inform one another if and when we slept with anyone else, out of respect for each other, so we could stop at that point if that's what we decided. At the time, the news that St. John's Wort interferes with the effectiveness of birth control pills wasn't well known, so guess who got pregnant while on the pill? His reaction? Well, first he informed me he had slept with someone else while sleeping with me and then he asked me if the baby was his. Nice. Then when I told him I was keeping this baby with or without him, he told me he'd stay with me for a year and that was it. I took it. I don't know why, but I accepted this limited-term verbal contract. We ended up marrying and staying together for one more baby and 4 more years. He cheated on me again (without my knowledge), treating me so badly in hopes that I would leave, until I finally did.
That brings me to Mr. Attorney. I was a single mom for 6 years then started dating a bit (dating web sites) which led nowhere. I decided to go to a divorce self-help group called "Rebuilders" at the suggestion of a friend. It is based on the book by Dr. Bruce Fisher called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. I wanted to have a social life again and my friend who was going through a divorce was raving about all the great people in her class and how they met socially and were really great friends to talk to. She said they could all relate to each other and it was also a great way to learn your issues, so you don't repeat the same mistakes when you are ready to date again. I thought that sounded great. I did meet some nice people and we did go on some social outings together. Well Mr. Attorney was in my class. We didn't speak a lot during the 10 week program, but a couple months after the program ended, we met during a group outing happy hour. I knew he was attracted to me from previous encounters but hadn't given it too much thought. That night though we ended up as the last "men" standing and I ended up going to his home. It had been over 4 years since I had had sex and I wasn't about to pass up this opportunity. To my sweet surprise, we had a lot of sexual chemistry. It started somewhat casual but then evolved into more. His divorce was much more recent than mine, not even a year had passed when we started dating. He told me, "I don't think I ever want to get married again." Did I listen to his words? No. He met and liked my kids, we vacationed together, he told me he loved me. He wined me, dined me and swept me off my feet. I felt that I was a mature woman, a mother even. I know what a real relationship is now. Here is a guy with is sh!t together, responsible, sweet and loving; yes, he is obviously not over the hurt of his divorce, but he was heading that way right? I mean he went to "Rebuilders." That says something right? No one has ever treated me this well. It must be true love right? --- I was crushed when he told me he did not want to be a part of my family. He wanted his "own" family, eventually, maybe.
It hurt physically and emotionally, so badly. I don't remember feeling this with Mr. Baseball. I know I did, but that was 20 years ago. And I was so disgusted with Mr. No Follow-Through by the time I left, all I felt was anger. This pain was pure rejection, not only of me but of my beautiful children.
So, what do these relationships have in common?
- Me, of course.
- They all told me they didn't want to get married, and yet even after hearing that, I wanted nothing more than to be with them. I wanted to commit to people that did not want to commit to me.
- I had sex with them quickly. I think the sexually intimacy was equal to true intimacy in my mind. We had a sexual connection which meant love in my mind. I wanted to commit to people that I felt intimate with, but I didn't really truly know any of them on an authentic level. At least not at the level where you could know you wanted to spend a lifetime with a person.
- They had family issues from their childhoods they had not deal with yet.
- I placed more value on them than I did on myself. I lost myself in their worlds.
